fuck everything and everyone. I just want to cry.
Suicidal is something that gets thrown around a lot. Whether people are deadly serious about it (pun not intended) or are just down and fling the word around without realising what implications it can cause.
I would say I’m somewhere on the spectrum as of late. I can’t stop wishing i was dead and how i just don’t want to feel this way anymore I’m so lonely I’m reading old conversations over and replaying situations that happened a year ago in my head. Maybe if i wasn’t so nervous when my friend kissed me last year i might be with him and happy instead of him being with another girl. Not that this is the source of my unhappiness at all. I don’t care for this person anymore. However, i look over any mistakes i have made that could have made me happier or changed my life in some way.
Some say suicidal is wanting and planning the act itself. I couldn’t do that, i couldn’t be able to bring myself to that point no matter how hard it got or how bad that night was i never would actually do anything. Mum isn’t concerned, but she finds it strange. I brought up the conversation of funerals and how i spent the night researching and i realised just how expensive it was. I don’t really know why I’m doing this because I’m only 20 but I’ve put in enquires with the council for a burial plot so i can be buried with my family when the time comes. Ive looked up coffins and headstones and even thought of paying for it all before i died. Payment plan of sorts.
Maybe this is my way of saying I’m depressed and some may think of locking me up for a 72 hour watch after hearing some of these thoughts but i don’t really know why. I think its quite funny watching my mums face when i talk about it. She just tells me to shut up.
I don’t feel as upset anymore writing this. I was listening to a depressing as fuck playlist on Spotify because i have felt a dark pit of loneliness in me as of late and a Sia song came on called Breathe Me and then after I Go To Sleep and i just started crying and i scrunched up my face wiping the tears but the crying was in bursts as i couldn’t stop yawning and i would scrunch up the pillow above my head. It just totally hit me as i used to listen to it. After writing this i feel calmer, a numbness.
I just want someone.
Todays post is about loneliness as I am so lonely. I wish I was a girl who’s self worth isn’t related to the attention she is getting from males, but I am. Don’t misread. Im not a slut. Im far from it. I am fat and no boy is ever going to fall in love with me. In high school you’re supposed to experience love or at least what you think is love at that age. The closest I got was a sexual online relationship with one of the boys in my class. I thought he liked me but I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone and once people found out he never spoke to me again, he was embarrassed. Anyway thats not about just now.
I am 20 years old and I have never met anyone, never fallen in love, never had a boy look at me like they look at a pretty girl, like my friends. I have never had someone want to kiss me either. Everyone says my time will come and ill meet someone and ill be happy one day but I never see this. When I imagine my future its either not there most times, or its a very sad and lonely pathetic life. I never thought i would be that girl but I so desperately want to fall in love. I want someone to love me, truly. I want a family and to decorate a house together I want some happy memories.
Unfortunately, I am fat and I live in a small village where all the boys are dicks and have bullied me since I was young. So theres no hope for me here. When I moved away from home to a big city for a year I never had one boy look at me, all my flatmates were skinny and pretty and got attention in clubs and got boyfriends and I was the fat tag along, the DUFF. (designated ugly fat friend). On my 20th birthday I told a boy I liked him and he said he didn’t feel the same way and he felt bad as it was my birthday. In reality, I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to tell him as I knew he would never be able to like me.
I want to be like my friends I want to shout from the rooftops if a guy doesn’t like me for who I am then he can go fuck himself but I can’t. I will never be confident, i will never have self worth and I will never love myself let alone be loved by someone else. This thought depresses me. I think I would feel a bit better if I had any friends here but everyones at uni and moving on. Nobody wants to come back anymore.
Honestly I try to picture the future and I can’t see past the day and that scares me and at the same time it doesn’t because its always been like this.
I am 20 years old and what am I doing with my life? I got let go at my reception job in a hotel as they got rid of 70% of the staff for winter as it’s seasonal and now I am only working 3 days a week plus holiday cover at a petrol station on the tills. Honestly, this thing happening inside my head has plagued me for years that I fucking don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
I hate the fact my friends are all in their third year of uni and moved away to live in the city and I am living with my parents, in a tiny village where all my friends have left and I’m working weekends. I think it would be less lonely here if I had friends.
I sometimes go to coffee with one of my old teachers and my two friends and I feel the dread of the questions. A is in her third year as a law student and R is in uni doing English. Then she asks me, I laugh it off but I fucking want to break down in moments of these.
I got so depressed living away from home I completely dropped out of college. I stopped sleeping again and I could go two days without sleeping. I would fall asleep at ten in the morning after being up all night and I was a mess. I signed up for the doctors and made numerous appointments to speak to them about how i was feeling but last minute I would cancel, or, the next morning i would be feeling okay and say “I’m fine, I need to stop being dramatic.” I managed to go once and I got medication and I again told myself I was fine and never went back to update it. I got to the point where I wanted to go to the A&E at 3am one night but I just pushed through. My moods fluctuate so much but ill go into that another time.
I don’t know what this blog is. Maybe this is just my way of when something is bugging me or a memory is plaguing me I write it all down and get it off my chest. Like today, talking to my friends on our group chat (i have two friends A and R) and I just feel really shitty about myself. Im happy they are doing well but I want to tell them how I’m feeling but I’m always bugging them i feel they would be like “oh here we go” and I’ve ruined their evening. Even though in a family crisis I’ve had A drive to mine with bags crying and we spent the night curled up together.
Today has been a bad day.
I don’t even know where to begin. I guess at the beginning? Screenshots i promise.
Ever since I can remember I was never right. I was bullied throughout all of high school for my weight. One name that stuck was whale, even when I moved schools they managed to pick up on that nickname. Its like it was passed along. I can remember i was in second year of high school. So I was only 12 years old. One boy who bullied me the most was friendly for a while and told me that the way that models stay skinny was that they shoved their fingers down their throats. He asked me if I had ever tried it or if I ever though of doing it, he said it would be a good idea for me if i wanted to be skinny. He said it so nicely but looking back its just horrible. So, that lunch time I ate and then I threw up. That was the first time i had ever done something like that. He later became the reason I left that school.
After I switched schools everything was okay for a while. I had made a few friends and had a solid group of people. The one memory sticks out I was being bullied still by the boys in my year. I was in maths and was arguing with some of the boys because they wouldn’t leave me alone and kept picking on me, as soon as i left the classroom all I heard was this one boy say
“I wish she would just go back to the sea where she belonged”
This whale thing has been a reoccurring theme in my life. I would be simply walking down to the shops to get milk or whatever and the local boys in the village I lived in would make whale noises to me and shout
“I’m sorry? what was that? i don’t speak whale!”
For a girl to be bullied by boys her whole life my self confidence was smashed all over the floor and I just kept eating and making myself sick but still i was fat. I would take walks along side the river and sit on the bank and make myself sick and go home again. I once even accidentally set my hair on fire making myself sick. I leant over the sink and my fringe got caught on fire from a candle burning. I told all my friends I got caught taking a drink from the sink, same story to my parents. This was one night when I was preparing to go for a bath. When I was 16/7 in the end of 2011 beginning 2012 I had a phase of taking baths because in the bath I would get the razor and press it into the top of my thigh and cut myself and I would bleed into the bath. Now I used a actual shaving razor so it didn’t cut very deep so I just kept going over the same section to cut it more. I even unscrewed a pencil sharpener. Now in 2015 all of my scars have faded as they weren’t too deep and i only have a few brown slices on my thigh. The one on my wrist i can see three clear lines parallel to each other from a razor that you can still see. I only ever did my wrist once as it was too risky to get caught.
In my last two years of high school my favourite teacher in the whole world and someone to this day I still love, looked after me. She would find me in the cloakroom bawling my eyes out and take me to her little room she had for tea and a biscuit. She and another teacher spoke to me and wanted me to see a mental health professional, i wouldn’t see her as I went to a group her husband ran twice a week after school. I was around this time my insomnia set in and I was getting either no sleep or about an hour. Two maximum. She taught me English and I wrote it all down. My higher english and Advanced higher english creative writing were about my insomnia and sleeping problems. Poems and creative writings. Thats where I really found one thing I enjoyed.
Theres so much more I want to write down and I have missed out and want to get out and how I’m feeling now and whats happened since high school but I shall save it for my next entry.